Teaching does not seem as easy as I thought. Yes, it is hard.
Today is my first try to teach real students in a real classroom. I had prepared several things for my class which I think it would help me to increase students’ enthusiasm such as name tags, stars for the reinforcement, the invitation cards and power points. But sadly I made huge mistakes.
Yesterday I was busy with the media and the stars. I wanted pretty invitation cards so I browsed and searched the sample of invitation cards in the internet. There are so many, but only few cards fitted with the requirements. After a long search, I decided to use card template. It was easier and I could add some information matched with the lesson. Having done with the media, I continued cutting the name tags for 45 students. It was quite tiring but I do not complain here. It was fun and I love doing things like this.
My bad, I enjoyed it too much until I realized I had not prepared the materials while my tummy was going to rebel. It hurt. I was not feeling well. The result, I did nothing but laying down on my bad all night long. I did not study the lesson and I prepared nothing for today. I thought everything will be fine by tomorrow.
I know I was wrong.
I spent too much time on preparing the media. I did not prepared my brain and my own self. I was not ready. I felt so blank when I stood in front of the class. I was nervous. I did not have the confidence.
More than anyone else, I understand that I am really bad at communicating with people whether it is using English or even my mother tongue language, Bahasa. It is my weakness. Moreover communicating in front of many people like this. That’s why, if I didn’t prepared things I want to talk beforehand, it means that I will kill myself.
Yes, the teaching learning process was not good. I kept doing mistakes and I gave ambiguous instruction. My explanation was not so good too. I did not memorize some parts because I thought I would read the materials from power point anyway. However, the projector cannot be used here. I could not present my presentation while all the materials were there. There was no “plan B”. For a second, I had cramps in my brain and I did not know what to do until finally I wrote the materials on the white board. I explained the lesson without mastering the lesson. I made mistakes and my students acknowledge it. The corrected me. I felt so wrong and stupid.
The worst, I don’t think my students enjoyed my class. I know it when I looked into their eyes. Their eyes speak. Their eyes looked like telling me, “I miss my previous English teacher. Her class is more interesting than yours.” Whenever those thoughts cross over my mind, I feel like I am going to burst.. crying.
At least, I learn something from this. I did many mistakes today which I won’t repeat in the future. I’ll try my best to change it.
I think I also need to remove this negative mind and my nervousness. It is urgent. And I think I need to learn to communicate, to blend with my students. I hate being so this stiff. I need and I want to change yet I don’t know how.
I know, rather than writing a happy post, this time I bring cloudy atmosphere to this blog. I grumble too much and I am sorry for that. But not so sorry actually, because I feel relieved after telling my problems to the world and to anyone out there who anyhow read this post. Maybe it is the power of writing? I don’t know. Whenever I feel it is too difficult to tell to people, sometimes writing is the only my healing.
Thank you for reading this. See you.